Danny,

Congratulations for taking a step forward! At least you are keeping an open mind. That's one of the keys to success:

HOW: Honesty, Openness, Willingness

I think that if you keep going to meetings you will find that each member's definition of higher power is quite different. Where most people agree is the concept of spirituality, which is quite different than a belief in a higher power.

I joined AA's sister group Al-Anon in 1995. It helped me immeasurably. I already believed in a higher power and I was into practicing some forms of spirituality when I joined. So the whole "higher power" and "spirituality" thing didn't scare me off.

I have to say that he AA Big Book has very out-dated language about what current 12-Step groups practice and believe about higher power and spirituality. Remember the origins of AA. Bill was a Christian Protestant. The Big Book is hence influenced by his and the other early members' beliefs. Since then 12-Step groups have blossomed and grown. They are very diverse when it comes to spirituality and higher power language and belief.

What I remember a sponsor who was a long-timer telling me is that it didn't matter what I called my higher power or what my concept of a higher power was. I just had to believe that there is some power that is greater than me. This was easy enough to grasp for me. It could be the collective of the group that is a higher power. Many atheist members use that. For logically many people gathered for one purpose has more power than one person standing alone.

Also spirituality isn't necessarily about belief in the "other." It has more to do with connections. For most members spirituality boils down to being connected with the group and one another. Doing service work like chairing a meeting, being the treasurer for the meeting, setting up chairs for the meeting, serving as a representative to intergroup committees, etc. serves as their way of manifesting spirituality because it re-enforces their connection to the program, the group, and the individual members. Making phone calls to individual members is a way of practicing spirituality. It takes on a significance because it's reaching out to another for help and helping another, thus making a connection.

So, go to many different meetings until you find a set of meetings where you start to feel at home. Make contact with other members. Exchange phone numbers. Go to the fellowship after meetings and hang out with the other members. That's what helped me in 12-Step. You'll find others who are like-minded about the God-stuff...