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Originally Posted by Meniscus  I don't disagree with you, but I'm not convinced that's what you really want from us. There are in the world a few sensitive men who emote very freely, and they are generally regarded--by women as well as other men--as sissies and wimps. Few people have much patience for such men. |
Unfortunately, Meniscus, you're probably right. Just as it takes a very strong man to handle an emotional woman, it also takes a very strong woman to handle an emotional man. She must be secure in her gender identity and not equate crying with weakness in men (yes, there's a double-standard on the female side too...I've outgrown it but I can remember at first feeling a bit flummoxed by men who emoted as freely as I did).
Again, though, my hope for the future would be that everyone stifle themselves less, and accept themselves, and each other, more. I may be an idealist, but being an idealist has made my life interesting -- believing the best of people often produces amazing results.
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Originally Posted by Meniscus Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'd even go so far as to say that some women like the fact that they "get" to be the emotional one in the relationship. If they had to be the one keeping it together every time something went wrong because their guy was breaking down and crying, they'd get tired of that arrangement pretty quickly, and probably end up looking for another guy. |
Sad, but at least partially true.
I think it's heartbreaking that in our relationship culture,
anyone has to be the designated party who "keeps it together."
Keeping it together is for professional situations, business meetings, and dealing with patients or customers. It is not for intimate relationships with friends and family, IMO. Those are the people that one should feel safe enough to cry with, regardless of one's gender.
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Originally Posted by Meniscus You may not stifle your emotions for us, but most men stifle our emotions for you. |
Which is also heartbreaking and I, for one, hope we evolve beyond this.
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Originally Posted by Meniscus We've been taught our whole lives that it's our job, our responsibility. If that were ever to really change, and men were free to express themselves (first we'd have to learn how), I'd bet many women would find these new, emotional men hard to adjust to. |
You would have to
remember how, not learn how, but yes, anyone accustomed to regularly choking back tears would have to go through an adjustment (as would their significant others).
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Originally Posted by Meniscus Most of us aren't strong enough to handle it. That's the point. We're so disconnected from our own emotions, we're not at all equipped to handle yours. It's sad and it's not fair, but that's the world we live in. |
We are all born knowing how to express ourselves freely. We cry to make ourselves heard, to make our needs known, and to release pent up nasty chemicals that are responsible for our "negative" emotions. No matter who you are, at some point in your life, you cried freely. If you no longer cry, then either you were
taught not to cry (and can be "un-taught") or you have post-traumatic stress disorder or dissociation and are unable to connect with your emotions due to trauma in your past. But even if that's the case, the situation is not hopeless. If you want to regain wholeness, help is available in many forms.
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Originally Posted by Meniscus Also, if it's healthy for men to cry when we're sad, then maybe it's healthy for women to get angry (rather than crying) when they're angry. I think women are socialized to resist their anger, because it's not "feminine," even when they have every right to be angry. Maybe it would be more empowering and less frustrating if you let yourselves express your anger as anger. |
Possibly.
When I think about it, the reason I cry when I'm angry is that I'm frustrated at trying to hold back the potentially destructive force of that particular emotion.
In my lifetime, I have done and said things in anger that I could never take back. I would rather dissolve into tears than verbally destroy my loved ones (which I am, unfortunately, all too well-equipped to do given my command of the English language).
You may be right, though, that this isn't a healthy thing for women to do. I wonder if crying really releases the feelings of anger, or if it leaves traces behind. As of now, I don't feel any resentment towards members of my core circle, but I'm very vigilant about resolving disagreements rather than letting them fester, because I know how much damage resentment can do, both to one's own health and to the health of a relationship.
But you have given me food for thought, Meniscus, and I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my remarks so insightfully.